make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
so then the cop took one last hit off our blunt and then drove off in his car and we just all stood there thinking, yea... that just happened...
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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