It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
My roommate told me he found me naked in the shower puking and when he asked why I was naked I said "you can't wear clothes in a shower"
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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