I smell stomach acid.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
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