I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
Randomize
