Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Randomize
