checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
