I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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