You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
My dad just gifted me an alaskan flag he stole from the govenor's mansion. He said it was to hang on the wall at 3316, to start a morning ritual. Then he mimed kegstands and vomiting. Senior year will be epic.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Thanks again for the coffee and orgasms
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