ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Well, I was asked to leave the Waffle House for "being to physical" so I think that option is off the table
Men are too sensitive. They need to learn to handle me.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Randomize
