Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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