bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
You think the guy at the speed wash knows he needs to scrub the vomit off the side of my car?
He knew.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
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