You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
He compared my ass to "a 13 year old track star's ass." Umm WTF? Is that supposed to be a compliment? And when I questioned boy or girl he said "either."
Randomize
