cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Randomize
