So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Definitely just found that pen in the microwave. What the fuck.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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