i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I think your husband is breaking up with me...
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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