Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.
buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
You kept whispering "Party Dave" every time someone would start talking.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I remember grabbing your ass. So firm. So right. I don't regret it.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
