and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
the last thing I heard was you screaming as the rodeo team herded you to the next party
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Plus we had to have sex before the game because there is a good chance we won’t be speaking for the rest of the week. #ironbowl
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
