I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
like semen in my mouth is absolutely disgusting but i'd still like to experience it
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I wish there were birth control emojis
This is home. And home is where you find your family. And you try not to make out with your family.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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