I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
I had ketchup on my elbow and a random girl goes "I got it" and licked it off, only on game day
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
where are my eyebrows?
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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