broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
Nothing says I love you as your fiancé bringing back home your drunk brother from his own stag party
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
