Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Randomize
