I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
On the way home she told me she was in kindergarten when 9/11 happened
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
He in a way got kinda cockblocked by Jesus
Randomize
