How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I forgot her safe word. It was a rough night.
I'm pretty sure that my eyebrow is going to be swollen from a sex injury tomorrow and possibly a black eye. If it forms that way it wiil be the second time. Different eyeball. Different decade.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
Why don’t they have healthy alcohol yet?
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
