I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
Last night was so much fun. i kept trying to lick everyone
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.
I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
well in the interest of full disclosure I have been using a used kfc spork as a buttscratcher for a month
This is my gift to your gina
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
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