fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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