Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Everybody was literally kung fu fighting
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Just because you can put your penis in it does not make it "good stuff".
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
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