I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
i just watched a 27 minute video about owls...that high.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
