Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
He told me I remind him of his sister...
Was this before or after you did it?
before... I mean, it's been a long time. I just tried not to think of it during.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
I feel like that xmas present negates everything we were taught as little girls. Putting out DOES pay. God bless us everyone
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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