There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I would totally lead with that as a line.'So, I was on Legends of the Hidden temple as a kid.. Your place or mine?'
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Randomize
