Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
it's great music for shaving your balls
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.
I miss high conversations.
Swinging. Is. Amazing.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
My inner pteradactyl is also confused.
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
