Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
How was your sisters wedding?
Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.
sisterhood ftl.
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Church boner. Awkwardddd
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service
And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
From now on, you must never doubt my ability to go from drunken rambling lovesick girl to Stepford wife within the course of a few hours.
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Randomize
