I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.
yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
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