I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
WHEN YOU HAVE SEX WITH A GUY FROM A DIFFERENT COUNTRY YOURE SUPPOSED TO NEVER SEE THEM AGAIN
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
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