Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
just graduated on the spot on the quad where I vommed freshman year. full circle
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Randomize
