new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
I'm bathroom at buffalo wild wings
I think incapable of making pants work send help
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
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