I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I saw you sitting on top of my car trying to row back home... Did you make it?
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So, my first week in Saskatchewan ended with me drinking moonshine and getting eaten out in a tractor. I already love it here!
Randomize
