I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Every shot buddy I have I end up blowing. I don't know whether this pattern is good or bad.
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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