i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
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