You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Tell me again your tentative move date. There are 5 Russians in my apartment on ecstasy and they are having a rave in my living room. I can't. I need to move stat
I just said "I love my cat" as a hobby.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
