The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I was so high i started crying when i saw how much puppychow was there.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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