The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
puked in the new hous. now it's officially home.
sarcasm needs its own font
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Randomize
