I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
I'm on the bus going to class. And a cop just rolled by and I got nervous because I didn't have my seatbelt on. I have to stop smoking so much weed.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
Randomize
