apparently the secret to your success is patron
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
