I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
Buying the inflatable beer pong table for the pool was one of the best investments I've ever made
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
you've already made the comitment to pee in public you should at least whip your dick out
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