He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Because ur a stupid bitch
Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
Randomize
