so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
