i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
I saw your dick pic and thought there goes the last thread of my heterosexuality.
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
