Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
