Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
just run out there and shit all over the driveway when he comes.. and then point at him
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
Randomize
