You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
He gave me a book last time I slept there. Im beginning to feel like a really weird hooker. Like instead of money he gives me random shit he has lying around. like hamburger buns
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
There is a different car in my driveway. Have no clue how I got home.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
